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Which of the following is true?

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a. have too much time on my hands

b. am using you to brush up on my coding skills

c. will do anything to avoid this Netflix meeting

or

d. try to make an amazing first impression because I never do things half-ass but instead of this making me look way cool, maybe a little interesting, and stand out from the madding crowd, it ends up making me look crazy, which is okay because it wouldn’t be the first time, so I understand if you’re panicking right now but there’s really no need to panic; I’m not ACTUAL crazy because I personally know crazy and this is not that but you’re probably not listening to me because you’re too busy thinking, That’s exactly what a crazy person would say.

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Your profile was pretty great, so I thought I’d just use it as a jumping off point for a conversation. And I’m totally wingin’ this. I can’t devote too much time to it. (That Netflix thing. you know.) Don’t drown in the stream of consciousness. 
 
First off, in honor of your recent softball getaway, there’s this. Maybe it’s you and me talking. Maybe it’s just a coupla players talking. Who knows? I call it:

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Meanwhile 1
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Lemme just blow by the #Jock and the Top parts and pretend they don’t faze me at all. (Yeah, right.) It’s this middle one I’d like to tackle. Confounding even myself, I am actually interested in those back two. Now, if this works, you’ll be thinking maybe that road looks like a nice way to go. But if not, I am totally open to a friendship. I have an iPhone heavy with the numbers of close to 500 people that I don’t talk to. Most of them were friends through my career and when changed careers, I kinda left almost all the friends and acquaintances behind. So if we don’t have a relationship, if we don’t become friends with benefits, dude, I would totally be fine with a friendship.

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How’m I doin’ so far?

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“Selfish means lacking consideration for other people and preoccupation with one’s own pleasure, profit or welfare, while selfless means having little or no concern for oneself, especially with regard to money, fame, and position.”

I actually had to look this up. How sad is that? And I’m a writer. (How sad is that?) And before I looked it up, I would have said, “Yep! Totally. That’s me.” But I think we have a problem here.

There almost needs to be antonyms for both of these words. And God, I hope this doesn’t sound like there should be a violin accompanying this, but my problem is that I would continually put the pleasure, profit, and welfare of other people ahead of mine—to my detriment. And it took me many, many years to see this was my pattern. So I made sure everybody else had a great time at the party while I picked up the broken glass and swept up the glitter. (This is all metaphor, I never threw any parties with glitter but I hear that shit is a bitch to clean up.) I was usually the one writing the check, picking up the tab, forking out the cash. And I was fine with it. I enjoyed doing it and that I was able to. And it’s not like no one ever did anything for me, but I was practically obsessive with their needs, so much so that I had little regard for my welfare. I found that wasn’t only unhealthy, it was dangerous.

And either because of that, or because the antithesis of selfish is the sister opposite of selfless, those very things this comparison mentions—money, fame, position—oh, fuck I don’t even wanna go into the money I left on the table, the fame I was too scared of to enjoy or use to my advantage, and even when I was at the top, I was still the motherfucker who was literally picking up trash everybody else was happy to leave to the maids and clean up the bathroom for clients, visitors, etc.

And I’m treating this like a conversation happening in real time—by the way it’s Saturday almost noon and I’m in my underwear and my Breonna Taylor T just to paint the visual—and I didn’t know we’d get to some place like this, but…I need a minute.

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And after all that, it’s still in my DNA to cater to others. I can command the ship when I need to, and I’m a damn fine captain. But usually?  I prefer to defer. That’s what I liked about being in advertising. I was just the dancing monkey they brought in, I did my schpiel, and I was out. Let somebody else call the shots and make the rules. Maybe that’s why I’m such a good bottom. That’s a joke. (Well, not the “good bottom part. Because I’m fantastic at that.) It’s just the way I’m wired. I get off on doing things for other people—which may mean I’m actually selfish for doing things like that. And this. Which totally blows this whole argument outta the water.

For example, the permalink for your page here stands for VALentine’s DAy 2021 partially because at the rate I’m going it’s not going to get to you until then but also because you’re (apparently, by all accounts) single, which means you’re not going to get a card or candy or flowers or a note or laid. And I’ve got all this this that I’m not going to be able to give someone on Valentine’s Day. So, sorry you poor bastard, you’re getting it. If I was there in person, it’d come with a backrub and a martini, but we work with what we got. In all seriousness, I thought it would be a nice thing if you got something cool, or somebody gave you a little attention. And I don’t even know you.

If I am being selfish, I’m sorry. Quit reading right here if you think so. But I think every relationship you have—no matter fleeting or forever—it’s an opportunity to know yourself better. To see how you treat other people. To see what you’re like through their eyes. And that’s the really cool thing about relationships between souls that nobody ever talks about. About how so many times, it’s the other person that shows us something we need to see. Or show us how to be better. Or remind us we’re not as bad as we think we are.

Oh, shit, real quick, the last two:

This may not look stable at all. But part of me has always wanted to do something like this. Something people did before email and the phone and the pony express. You know, send long letters to people and show them how much you missed them and how much you care. And I know you’re the top, but play Disney princess for a sec and imagine this is that valiant peasant who’s fighting for your hand or something like that.

As for self preservation? Self preservation would be doing all the other shit I have to do. lol

 

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How’m I doin’ so far?

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Selfish means lacking consideration for other people and preoccupation with one’s own pleasure, profit or welfare, while selfless means having little or no concern for oneself, especially with regard to money, fame, and position.

I actually had to look this up. How sad is that? And I’m a writer. (How sad is that?) And before I looked it up, I would have said, “Yep! Totally. That’s me.” But I think we have a problem here.

There almost needs to be antonyms for both of these words. And God, I hope this doesn’t sound like there should be a violin accompanying this, but my problem is that I would continually put the pleasure, profit, and welfare of other people ahead of mine—to my detriment. And it took me many, many years to see this was my pattern. So I made sure everybody else had a great time at the party while I picked up the broken glass and swept up the glitter. (This is all metaphor, I never threw any parties with glitter but I hear that shit is a bitch to clean up.) I was usually the one writing the check, picking up the tab, forking out the cash. And I was fine with it. I enjoyed doing it and that I was able to. And it’s not like no one ever did anything for me, but I was practically obsessive with their needs, so much so that I had little regard for my welfare. I found that wasn’t only unhealthy, it was dangerous.

And either because of that, or because the antithesis of selfish is the sister opposite of selfless, those very things this comparison mentions—money, fame, position—oh, fuck I don’t even wanna go into the money I left on the table, the fame I was too scared of to enjoy or use to my advantage, and even when I was at the top, I was still the motherfucker who was literally picking up trash everybody else was happy to leave to the maids and clean up the bathroom for clients, visitors, etc.

And I’m treating this like a conversation happening in real time—by the way it’s Saturday almost noon and I’m in my underwear and my Breonna Taylor T just to paint the visual—and I didn’t know we’d get to some place like this, but…I need a minute.

scruff reply

How’m I doin’ so far?

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Well I guess we better move on then.

Well I guess we better move on then.